According to the Blueberry Council the health benefits of blueberries cannot be underestimated. Blueberries make you smarter and reverse the effects of aging. Check it out, its true. I am not saying that this is why William likes blueberries so much but he does have very good skin so he may be on to something. The Blueberry Council does not mention that blueberries, when consumed in sufficient quantities, have other well known effects on toddler diapers but then the Council is an advocacy group so we can’t expect it to be fair and balanced like Fox News. William doesn’t give much thought to said effects and consumed a large quantity in relation to his chubby little toddler belly throughout the day. Dad may have played a small role in this part but he is writing the story and isn’t Fox News either.
My first hint that something was amiss came in the bathtub. William, always the little helper, had helped dad out by removing his own diaper. Life was easier before he learned how to do this little trick. With Claire and William both in the tub, I set to soaping and scrubbing, which was when I noticed the smallest of bluish patches on the outside of William’s leg. Being nobody’s fool, I think dirty diaper right away and check the heir to my domain’s chubby little behind. Its clean. False alarm.
After bath time my forest sprites like to run around the house refusing to put on diapers. This is great fun for babies and excellent excerise for dad. While chasing William in the living room, I hear Claire declare matter of factly: “Yuck poop. Yuck. Yuck.” You think you see where this is going but you’re not quite there yet. Trust me.
Claire has learned that certain words get attention. Recently, she has grown quite fond of both “yuck” and “poop”. Yuck can mean anything or nothing at all when you are a toddler. Still it is a cause for concern. On the other hand, she has the meaning of “poop” down with precision and when she says that magic word and points to her Australia, she expects immediate action.
Yuck and Poop together in the same sentence is not a good sign. The meaning of the proto-sentence, though not absolutely clear, effectively conveys a sense of urgency with a hint of danger. I abandon the chase with William and investigate the kitchen. Lets just say that Claire has found what William has left behind (we will leave it vague to protect the squeamish). She is a sensible girl and therefore stands at the outer edge of the superfund site, toes close but still on the right side of line. I don’t trust her though. She is an impulsive little devil. So I scoop her up and sprint her out of harm’s way.
The problem with twins is that there are two of them. William returns to the scene of the crime while I am occupied with Claire. You probably still don’t quite get it even though you think you do. I didn’t. I mean. I see him. I understand my future but am unafraid. How bad can it be anyway? He’s already naked. Hardly dry from his bath. I am already planning how to get him back in the tub with minimum collateral damage. It’ll be easy. Disgusting. But easy.
That’s when the other shoe drops. I am not sure if William did his business by the Roomba or whether he moved the Roomba to the mess after the fact – either way they were in close proximity at the critical moment. William likes to make things go. He’s good at figuring out power switches, remote controls, etc and has been able to work the Roomba for about 10 months. He torments it. It will run a while and, proud of itself and no doubt a little tired, it will turn off, making this happy little beeping noise like one of the seven dwarfs finally at rest after a long day. William will pounce on it – literally pounce - and send it back to the mines. He hasn’t managed to break it yet and actually does a pretty thorough job keeping the floors clean so I don’t mind.
I can’t fault William. The Roomba is for cleaning up yucky messes and this was a yucky mess. No argument there. He was using his head. Smart boy. Maybe even taking responsibility by cleaning up his own mess. A boy scout. Of course, he turned it on and it marched right into the trenches. The Roomba is an ingenious device. It is a robotic vacuum that employs an impressive array of spinning brushes to pick up dirt. It really does a great job on my floor. But all of the spinning brushes are designed for drier dustier yuck than the particular yuck at issue. Wet yuck just gets thrown around the entire kitchen, efficiently coating toddlers, dads, and kitchen cabinets in a surprisingly short time.
Yuck.
Tags: fatherhood, toddlers
